Sadness.

So this is the hardest thing I have had to blog and have been putting it off for fear of it all becoming all too real. On thursday April 23, 2009 at sometime around 8:40 pm my dear friend and riding partner hit a deer on a stretch of road and past away.

I was in my spare room and the tv was on in the living room and I heard the news come up saying two motorcyclist had been killed more details to follow. Didn't think much of it. When the story came on I heard a 38 year old from Norwalk hit a deer on the 1400 block of bla bla, let it drown out. Then it hit me, I knew someone around that age from Norwalk and that the certain block was also known as highway 63. Something told me to get up but I didn't move. My father said Josh come in here so I walked in saw the screen and saw the familiar back end of a yellow bike that I followed so many times on our rides. Immediately I knew and called a fellow friend and got the news. I will admit I broke down and lost it immediately my parents came to my ade to no good it was too much. The following monday I lost my father's best friend of 30 years and riding partner to pancriatic cancer and hadn't really found my release with that. Well this caused a whirlwind of everything hitting me in the chest and all hell broke loose. I ended up calling my best friend in Vegas and we talked for a few minutes then called his roomate and went up there to support his girl friend and roomates.

We all cried, we all laughed, we all just sat there quietly numb from it all. The next day I went back up, we had a good reminisce of how a great guy he was. It wasn't so bad, I thought ok maybe this wont be so bad. We ended up going to the scene of the accident and put a couple of crosses up with his name and picked up some pieces that were left over. It was hard but part of the closure we all needed. I went home that afternoon and wasn't feeling too bad. From there it was just a whirlwind of time, I thought I was holdin up okay, kept my mind busy. Spoke with Ray for a while, found out the visitation would be tuesday night from 6:00pm - 8:00pm.

Well today was my first day back to work. I thought it was going to be harder then it was. I got there at 7:30, snook in, sat down and started doing my job. 10:30 rolled around and I started looking around for Rusty...took me a few but then realised he wouldn't be coming in...it never felt real, just all seemed like a dream. I rode the bike to work thinking I was going to ride to the visitation but got to thinkin if its over at 8:00 I don't want to chance a deer on my way home. Especially knowing the certain stretch of road was VERY active with deer. So a fellow co-worker followed me home, we picked up my car and dropped it off at the highschool and he drove there. We kinda joked on the way, chit chatted, no big deal. We got there and it all hit me like a fist to the face. It all became so real and unchangable, so saddening and horrid. I stood with my co-workers and kept telling myself to go pay my respect but my feet wouldn't move. Continued this and just couldn't do it. I tried to keep telling myself no this didn't happen, wake up, its all a dream, he will be at work in the morning after you wake up. Finally my feet moved, got to the edge of the caskett and there was a lady in front of me. I couldn't see anything but his shirt, still kept saying to myself, nope not him, ur gonna wake up and this will all just be a nightmare. Then she moved and I saw his face, so peaceful, so relaxed, thats when I knew it was real. The emotion flooded me like a dam breaking back from a lake. My best friend/riding partner was gone. This is the hardest part to write, its so fresh in my memory but I don't know else what to do. I sat down and just thought, don't know what about but just sat in distraught. Someone then something about a video. We went over to watch it and soo many memories came to me, seeing him soo happy and laughing was nice but hard. Thats how I want to remember Rusty, for the great man he was. I don't know why I can't get over this...something is bugging me but I do not know what it is. So here I sit crying, not knowing what to do, I can't talk to anyone for it doesn't help. Everytime I look at his picture it gets me and gets worse but I don't want to not look at his picture...I miss him soo much, I wish I could turn back time and make it change but I can't and its sooo hard, I don't know what to do, i just wanna curl up in bed and sleep but I can't even do that, my body won't let me...so im at a loss no matter what....im just like a lost soul wondering. I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna run, I wanna sleep, I wanna be happy, I just....dont know how.